While I was attending a summit on international espionage this weekend, cleverly disguised as a bearded programmer from the Southeast, I felt a small buzz at the base of my spine. "Crap!" I thought, "It's the RSS event transponser!" Quickly, I regained my composure; I looked to the lovely lady beside me. Certainly "her" disguise wasn't as good as mine, I could tell it was my old rival from the Soviet Bloc, Ivor Brugostovich. I knew he'd have no idea it was me under my woolly mask, so I played coy. "Pardon me ma'am," I drawled, "But could you please let me know if I miss something? I need to go visit the lil' gents room." Ivor nodded his head, the delicate locks of his brunette wig falling gracefully as he did so. I remember thinking what a fantastic woman he made... And I scuttled off to the bathroom, to tap a sequence onto the crystal of my watch, allowing a screen to light up on the inside of my glasses. "Ah!" I audibly exclaimed, as I realized what had finally drawn my attention: Someone has finally made the worlds greatest game title, and it released in Japan just this week. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Growlanser VI: Precarious World. I dare you.. no! I double dog dare you not to find that title subtly hypnotic. I don't even care what the game is about, I must own it.
Special edition versions of video games are one of those nebulous creatures: you pay a lot of extra money for developers to basically give you stuff that does little more than proclaim your undying affection for the game. As someone who bought the big collector's edition box of Warcraft III, this is something I know a little bit about. Typically, however, these extras are an extra $10 for a soundtrack or a little art book or something that seems somewhat insignificant. Leave it to Rockstar to come up with some of the coolest swag I think I've ever seen in a special edition. I've got to admit, the Halo 3 "Legendary Edition" with the cat helmet seemed cool for a while, but nothing says cool like a freaking safe deposit box complete with a R* key chain. Besides, now I can throw all of my fake passports in the safe deposit box, and my loads of cash in the duffel. These are things you'd think an international man of intrigue and action would have by now, but then again, I spent all of my money on my totally believable disguise.
I'll leave you now with a note to people who need a disguise: crazy glue does not make a good spirit gum replacement. Ow.
--Ak out
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
On MMOs and Special Movies
I know that when I laid down this site, I promised that it would be about video games and movies. Also know that I realize that movies have been under-represented. But know this: I now have a movie topic to talk about! Fantastic, right? At any rate, charging forward, ever forward.
Last night, during the AFI's 100 best movies of the past 100 years, an ad was aired. This was no normal ad, no, no! In fact, the ad was hyped and teased at by not only the omni-present AICN, but also by the much cooler, yet smaller site, Chud. So what was the ad for? It was for a DVD of a movie. A movie that's already been released. Ok, I suck at this hype machine thing, so I'll just say it: Blade Runner: The Final Cut. I pray now that they really mean it this time when they say "Final," because I think maybe Ridley Scott has caught Lucasitis, wherein you have to release about 50 billion (with a b) editions and re-cuts of your successful films. Of course, what kind of digital host would I be if I didn't offer you a way to look at this trailer for yourself? So what's the ad tell us? Well, it looks like the whole thing has gone into some sort of LSD inspired techno post-futurist trip-hop thing. But what do I know, I think I just misapplied half of the previous terms to describe the movie... What it really boils down to is this: I've often been upset that the theatrical release of Blade Runner isn't available on DVD. If it was a cut and dried argument that the director's cut was just an enhanced version of the theatrical, that'd be easier to swallow. But from my understanding (seeing as how I don't think I've ever seen the theatrical), they're like two different damn movies. Now Mr. Scott wants to throw a third one in the mix, to truly chum up the waters, likely never re-releasing either the theatrical or the director's cut on either of the HD media. What does this mean for us? I think in a nutshell, it means that you'd damn well better like the movie the way Ridley Scott has decided it should be, not the way he made it originally. Which, up until now, I could live with, as the director's cut of Blade Runner is a fucking amazing movie. In the end, I'm praying we don't wind up arguing that "Deckard shot first" after this came out.
And now back to video games. If you know me, you know I play Everquest 2. It's not as popular of an MMO as another game which shall remain nameless, but I can't help but believe it's a superior product. My problems with MMOs have always been that I grow bored of them around the time I hit a very high level. EQ2 has a great blend of epic feeling quest lines and rewards, a house to show off your trophies (and a merchant system that encourages people to visit your virtual domicile), and a genuine sense of epic scale that other games seem to lack. According to my Xfire profile, I've logged 9 hours this week alone, which sounds better than it is, as I had other things to do Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Really, this speech isn't so much a commentary on MMOs as it is a hybrid ad/plea for help. Even now, I can feel the deep hooks of addiction calling me back to my keyboard, the beast audibly crying for my attention, much like a newborn child. Perhaps I'll spend the night trying to get my carpentry up to 36... Hmm.
The purpose of a rambling love letter to EQ2 was to set up my improptu review of a new MMO, Phylon, but I realize now that a simple segue has evolved into product placement that Sony loves to see (and certain parts of their company aren't above paying for, either). But I shall press forward! Phylon is essentially an MMO shooter set in a generic sci fi universe. What sets it apart is primarily the sense of humor they went about the whole process. Seriously, I charge anyone to read the faction descriptions from their page, they're great. What's better is, this game seems to have been made by the "little guys," trying to muscle their way in on the big guys. What they've got going against them is: They're the fucking little guys trying to go up against the big guys. I can't really emphasize enough that money going into a game tends to make the game better.
Here's how I see the problems:
1) AI acts like MMORPG AI, not shooter AI. If I'm in a shooter, I expect the enemies to be running around, making harder targets of themselves and generally testing my reflexes. These guys just charge straight at me, attacking me as soon as they get close. Perhaps that changes as you encounter harder enemies? I don't get the feeling it does, however much I'd like to hope so.
2) The UI is crappy. When you start the game, the menu to create a character is inexplicably choppy. It feels like my video card just got Parkinson's, and I can't really figure out why the in-game 3d world would run smoother than the starting menu. Also worth noting is that my CPU wasn't really taxed at any point during this menu; I think I heard some of my hertz tell the other hertz they were going on "siesta." Apparently my processor's frequency measurements are Spanish. Who knew? But if only the UI problems were limited to logging in, a sin could be forgiven! In reality, all of the interface elements have fixed positions, the only way to count a stack of an item is to mouse over it, and there's no way to inspect items/weapons/other gear to find out what the fuck it does before using it. These things do not a happy Akbar make.
3) The UI sucks part II. I got bored with that bullet point, so I decided to make a second one: The font they used for everything is nigh-illegible. I ran this game at 1280x1024 (the engine is old, it's not a super-pretty game or anything) and I {still} had some issues reading some of the player text. Inexcusable!
4) They're not that funny, on the whole. I loved reading over the site, chuckling at their many absurdities and comments, hoping for a game that would make me laugh as much as it would make me want to explore new areas. What I really got, however, was a game that lacked imagination. NPCs nearly across the board had some sort of a movie quote in their dialog. I love the occasional homage or quote, but you need to spread it out! Share the love, add some new dialog in there to keep people from thinking that you just didn't know how to be funny. Unless, of course, you don't know how to be funny. Then I can't help you, except to say that perhaps making a whimsical game shouldn't be your primary focus. Non-funny motherfucker.
5) Point 4 is compounded by what amounts to a lack of originality in other designs, as well. I mean, they have a Buster Sword in the game, for crying out loud! It looks really good, and they did a good job of making it look enough like the Buster Sword to be recognizable, but sci fi enough to fit into their universe. Taken by itself, and I would have praised them for the sly homage. Added to the rest of what they've given us, and it just aggravates the hell out of me. Besides, if they're going to give us the Buster Sword, they really need to go the whole 9 yards and give us an angsty, androgynous, he-woman who can somehow lift a sword the size of him despite being too obviously concerned with keeping his girlish good looks to go hit the gym once in a while. Because if that were a playable character, you know I'd be all over that shit.
So there you have it: My 5 reasons why Phylon isn't worth your $15. Noting that this is an MMO, and MMOs have a surprisingly malleable nature to them, I wouldn't be surprised if Rapid Reality doesn't address some of these concerns before long. Until they do, however, caveat emptor. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to make a few dozen virtual tables for my fake house. Ah, the tasks of being a home-owner.
--Ak out
Last night, during the AFI's 100 best movies of the past 100 years, an ad was aired. This was no normal ad, no, no! In fact, the ad was hyped and teased at by not only the omni-present AICN, but also by the much cooler, yet smaller site, Chud. So what was the ad for? It was for a DVD of a movie. A movie that's already been released. Ok, I suck at this hype machine thing, so I'll just say it: Blade Runner: The Final Cut. I pray now that they really mean it this time when they say "Final," because I think maybe Ridley Scott has caught Lucasitis, wherein you have to release about 50 billion (with a b) editions and re-cuts of your successful films. Of course, what kind of digital host would I be if I didn't offer you a way to look at this trailer for yourself? So what's the ad tell us? Well, it looks like the whole thing has gone into some sort of LSD inspired techno post-futurist trip-hop thing. But what do I know, I think I just misapplied half of the previous terms to describe the movie... What it really boils down to is this: I've often been upset that the theatrical release of Blade Runner isn't available on DVD. If it was a cut and dried argument that the director's cut was just an enhanced version of the theatrical, that'd be easier to swallow. But from my understanding (seeing as how I don't think I've ever seen the theatrical), they're like two different damn movies. Now Mr. Scott wants to throw a third one in the mix, to truly chum up the waters, likely never re-releasing either the theatrical or the director's cut on either of the HD media. What does this mean for us? I think in a nutshell, it means that you'd damn well better like the movie the way Ridley Scott has decided it should be, not the way he made it originally. Which, up until now, I could live with, as the director's cut of Blade Runner is a fucking amazing movie. In the end, I'm praying we don't wind up arguing that "Deckard shot first" after this came out.
And now back to video games. If you know me, you know I play Everquest 2. It's not as popular of an MMO as another game which shall remain nameless, but I can't help but believe it's a superior product. My problems with MMOs have always been that I grow bored of them around the time I hit a very high level. EQ2 has a great blend of epic feeling quest lines and rewards, a house to show off your trophies (and a merchant system that encourages people to visit your virtual domicile), and a genuine sense of epic scale that other games seem to lack. According to my Xfire profile, I've logged 9 hours this week alone, which sounds better than it is, as I had other things to do Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Really, this speech isn't so much a commentary on MMOs as it is a hybrid ad/plea for help. Even now, I can feel the deep hooks of addiction calling me back to my keyboard, the beast audibly crying for my attention, much like a newborn child. Perhaps I'll spend the night trying to get my carpentry up to 36... Hmm.
The purpose of a rambling love letter to EQ2 was to set up my improptu review of a new MMO, Phylon, but I realize now that a simple segue has evolved into product placement that Sony loves to see (and certain parts of their company aren't above paying for, either). But I shall press forward! Phylon is essentially an MMO shooter set in a generic sci fi universe. What sets it apart is primarily the sense of humor they went about the whole process. Seriously, I charge anyone to read the faction descriptions from their page, they're great. What's better is, this game seems to have been made by the "little guys," trying to muscle their way in on the big guys. What they've got going against them is: They're the fucking little guys trying to go up against the big guys. I can't really emphasize enough that money going into a game tends to make the game better.
Here's how I see the problems:
1) AI acts like MMORPG AI, not shooter AI. If I'm in a shooter, I expect the enemies to be running around, making harder targets of themselves and generally testing my reflexes. These guys just charge straight at me, attacking me as soon as they get close. Perhaps that changes as you encounter harder enemies? I don't get the feeling it does, however much I'd like to hope so.
2) The UI is crappy. When you start the game, the menu to create a character is inexplicably choppy. It feels like my video card just got Parkinson's, and I can't really figure out why the in-game 3d world would run smoother than the starting menu. Also worth noting is that my CPU wasn't really taxed at any point during this menu; I think I heard some of my hertz tell the other hertz they were going on "siesta." Apparently my processor's frequency measurements are Spanish. Who knew? But if only the UI problems were limited to logging in, a sin could be forgiven! In reality, all of the interface elements have fixed positions, the only way to count a stack of an item is to mouse over it, and there's no way to inspect items/weapons/other gear to find out what the fuck it does before using it. These things do not a happy Akbar make.
3) The UI sucks part II. I got bored with that bullet point, so I decided to make a second one: The font they used for everything is nigh-illegible. I ran this game at 1280x1024 (the engine is old, it's not a super-pretty game or anything) and I {still} had some issues reading some of the player text. Inexcusable!
4) They're not that funny, on the whole. I loved reading over the site, chuckling at their many absurdities and comments, hoping for a game that would make me laugh as much as it would make me want to explore new areas. What I really got, however, was a game that lacked imagination. NPCs nearly across the board had some sort of a movie quote in their dialog. I love the occasional homage or quote, but you need to spread it out! Share the love, add some new dialog in there to keep people from thinking that you just didn't know how to be funny. Unless, of course, you don't know how to be funny. Then I can't help you, except to say that perhaps making a whimsical game shouldn't be your primary focus. Non-funny motherfucker.
5) Point 4 is compounded by what amounts to a lack of originality in other designs, as well. I mean, they have a Buster Sword in the game, for crying out loud! It looks really good, and they did a good job of making it look enough like the Buster Sword to be recognizable, but sci fi enough to fit into their universe. Taken by itself, and I would have praised them for the sly homage. Added to the rest of what they've given us, and it just aggravates the hell out of me. Besides, if they're going to give us the Buster Sword, they really need to go the whole 9 yards and give us an angsty, androgynous, he-woman who can somehow lift a sword the size of him despite being too obviously concerned with keeping his girlish good looks to go hit the gym once in a while. Because if that were a playable character, you know I'd be all over that shit.
So there you have it: My 5 reasons why Phylon isn't worth your $15. Noting that this is an MMO, and MMOs have a surprisingly malleable nature to them, I wouldn't be surprised if Rapid Reality doesn't address some of these concerns before long. Until they do, however, caveat emptor. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to make a few dozen virtual tables for my fake house. Ah, the tasks of being a home-owner.
--Ak out
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
A Toilet as a Metaphor for Life
You know how sometimes, you're in the bathroom, minding your own business when someone else walks in and goes into a neighboring stall? Then you know how sometimes on top of that, the cleaning lady will knock on the door, and you and your anonymous neighbor will both chime in "occupied" simultaneously, in the same dull, monotone voice? I love synchronicity like that. So it's no wonder that I'm super-pumped for the new Time Crisis coming for the PS3. Time Crisis to me has always been about the most pure of pure cooperative experiences available. The fact that it's for my poor, underused PS3 just makes the game all the more appealing! I can only hope that a) the controllers don't suck or cost a fortune and b) the game itself is any fucking good. I guess we'll have to wait this one out and see.
I don't know if anyone has seen these, but Todd "Hate me for I created Spawn" McFarlane has done some artwork for what may be the ugliest 360 pads ever. Don't get me wrong: I love McFarlane's artwork. For my money, he did the absolute best looking Spider-Man of all time. But let's face it: Those controllers just look tacky. Like, Elton John tacky. So what would convince someone to buy one of those things? Oh, yeah. The freaking awesome Miniature Chief that comes with the thing. At least they're wireless, so you could potentially hide in another room while you use the thing, thus keeping your embarrassment for owning it to a minimum. On the same page, you'll find the Halo 3 branded headset, which I think I can say without fear of reprisal is fucking rad.
--Ak out
I don't know if anyone has seen these, but Todd "Hate me for I created Spawn" McFarlane has done some artwork for what may be the ugliest 360 pads ever. Don't get me wrong: I love McFarlane's artwork. For my money, he did the absolute best looking Spider-Man of all time. But let's face it: Those controllers just look tacky. Like, Elton John tacky. So what would convince someone to buy one of those things? Oh, yeah. The freaking awesome Miniature Chief that comes with the thing. At least they're wireless, so you could potentially hide in another room while you use the thing, thus keeping your embarrassment for owning it to a minimum. On the same page, you'll find the Halo 3 branded headset, which I think I can say without fear of reprisal is fucking rad.
--Ak out
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Reading News Over Breakfast
I guess it all comes out in the wash.
I woke up this morning, opened up my box of Count Chocula-inspired generic foodstuffs, poured the entire bag into a giant mixing bowl, and put a couple gallons of milk in it. You know, the usual. As I began feasting upon the semi-chocolaty goodness before me, an idea came from nowhere... One that I believe would revolutionize the world, were it implemented. As I leaned back, thoughtfully stroking my my chin whiskers, I pondered how to implement such a grand scheme. Then I tumbled backwards out of my chair, hit my head, and forgot the idea entirely. Then I realized that some guy has spent what has to be hours upon hours on end developing some of the coolest Forza 2 paintjobs ever. And I figure, if that's not for the betterment of mankind, what is?
After recovering from my bump on the head and the drooling over the Forza cars, I came across this little tidbit of "news" about hooking fifteen Wii controllers up to one system. Now, I'm a fan of new news (and even the occasional old news) just like every else, but for the love of Pete, can't it at least be real news? Is that too much to ask? There's nothing there that can't be quickly denied by a cursory glance at either the Wii manual or the Bluetooth spec. As it stands, all we've figured out is that the LEDs on the Wii controller can be turned on/off independently and that there are 4 of them. Excuse me while I send in a tip to the gaming press at large letting them know that Sasquatch is going to E3 this year. I figure it has as much of a chance of coming true as the fifteen controller bit, and perhaps I could get a nod as the tipster!
--Ak out
I woke up this morning, opened up my box of Count Chocula-inspired generic foodstuffs, poured the entire bag into a giant mixing bowl, and put a couple gallons of milk in it. You know, the usual. As I began feasting upon the semi-chocolaty goodness before me, an idea came from nowhere... One that I believe would revolutionize the world, were it implemented. As I leaned back, thoughtfully stroking my my chin whiskers, I pondered how to implement such a grand scheme. Then I tumbled backwards out of my chair, hit my head, and forgot the idea entirely. Then I realized that some guy has spent what has to be hours upon hours on end developing some of the coolest Forza 2 paintjobs ever. And I figure, if that's not for the betterment of mankind, what is?
After recovering from my bump on the head and the drooling over the Forza cars, I came across this little tidbit of "news" about hooking fifteen Wii controllers up to one system. Now, I'm a fan of new news (and even the occasional old news) just like every else, but for the love of Pete, can't it at least be real news? Is that too much to ask? There's nothing there that can't be quickly denied by a cursory glance at either the Wii manual or the Bluetooth spec. As it stands, all we've figured out is that the LEDs on the Wii controller can be turned on/off independently and that there are 4 of them. Excuse me while I send in a tip to the gaming press at large letting them know that Sasquatch is going to E3 this year. I figure it has as much of a chance of coming true as the fifteen controller bit, and perhaps I could get a nod as the tipster!
--Ak out
Friday, June 1, 2007
Running From the Shadows
Shadowrun came out this week, with less-than-expected fanfare. I mean, Kotaku turned their site into one huge Shadowrun ad, but one can only feel that there's something missing. Something in a 1-10 range that lets me know if someone else thought the game was any fucking good. It turns out, nobody knows! Apparently the videogame press just forgot to review the title. Hell, the only thing I've found so far is a preview over at IGN, of all places. Don't adjust your sets, folks, the preview is in fact dated two days after the game came out.
Now I understand from the preview that they had big issues getting the PC version to work. As far as I'm concerned, that's something you review right there. That's some information that people considering buying the game just might want to know. Does this mean the game will always be bad? Of course not. In today's world of release now, patch later business practices, Shadowrun could be one of the best FPS games you could be playing in a month or even a week. But if the current state of the game is that it doesn't work? Well, then I'd say we're sitting on a 0, or maybe a 1 if you're feeling generous. Refusing to rate the game on that is like not calling them out for their blunder. You should publish the rating, say what's wrong, and if they fix everything, then you can change your rating. But don't let them get by with nothing said just because you can't play it. That's just allowing them to shift shoddy product unopposed.
Of course, the above lays the blame squarely on FASA's shoulders for what could be a Live issue. After all, this is the first Live for Windows game ever. But I fail to see how I should be waiting on tenterhooks for a game that doesn't work at the moment. Someone wake me when it does.
In other news, there's a guy who's made it his goal to come up with 300 Game Ideas in 300 days. Currently that link has been dugg, slashdotted, farked, or all three into the dirt, but when it comes back up, I highly encourage everyone to take a poke around. The guy's got some neat ideas. Some obviously wouldn't work without major overhauls, some seem really cool out of the box. But more than anything else, it's just neat to see someone brainstorm as many fairly novel ideas as they can think of. That sort of thing is somewhat inspirational to me. If nothing else, it inspires me to try harder to meet my once a week goal of posting to this thing. As you may have noticed, it took me all of 3 weeks to let that slip. I'm a fucking inspiration in my own right.
And lastly, it's a bit outside of my charter, but I have to comment on Google Maps street view.
My initial response was one of monosyllabic grunts and obscenities. My current response aims to be both polysyllabic and obscene! Essentially, this sort of tech is great toy box tech. It's too expensive for Google to hire people to go through even all of the major cities and map out all of the shit that's necessary to provide this level of imagery. Given that the scope of such a project is inherently limited, the utility of such an application is about that of a fourth bill on a platypus. I'm not sure why they have the first one. But like all great useless things before it, one must simply marvel at how awesome life must be for us to have the luxury to do random shit like that. So sleep soundly America, know that we do, in fact, have the coolest toys.
Now I understand from the preview that they had big issues getting the PC version to work. As far as I'm concerned, that's something you review right there. That's some information that people considering buying the game just might want to know. Does this mean the game will always be bad? Of course not. In today's world of release now, patch later business practices, Shadowrun could be one of the best FPS games you could be playing in a month or even a week. But if the current state of the game is that it doesn't work? Well, then I'd say we're sitting on a 0, or maybe a 1 if you're feeling generous. Refusing to rate the game on that is like not calling them out for their blunder. You should publish the rating, say what's wrong, and if they fix everything, then you can change your rating. But don't let them get by with nothing said just because you can't play it. That's just allowing them to shift shoddy product unopposed.
Of course, the above lays the blame squarely on FASA's shoulders for what could be a Live issue. After all, this is the first Live for Windows game ever. But I fail to see how I should be waiting on tenterhooks for a game that doesn't work at the moment. Someone wake me when it does.
In other news, there's a guy who's made it his goal to come up with 300 Game Ideas in 300 days. Currently that link has been dugg, slashdotted, farked, or all three into the dirt, but when it comes back up, I highly encourage everyone to take a poke around. The guy's got some neat ideas. Some obviously wouldn't work without major overhauls, some seem really cool out of the box. But more than anything else, it's just neat to see someone brainstorm as many fairly novel ideas as they can think of. That sort of thing is somewhat inspirational to me. If nothing else, it inspires me to try harder to meet my once a week goal of posting to this thing. As you may have noticed, it took me all of 3 weeks to let that slip. I'm a fucking inspiration in my own right.
And lastly, it's a bit outside of my charter, but I have to comment on Google Maps street view.
My initial response was one of monosyllabic grunts and obscenities. My current response aims to be both polysyllabic and obscene! Essentially, this sort of tech is great toy box tech. It's too expensive for Google to hire people to go through even all of the major cities and map out all of the shit that's necessary to provide this level of imagery. Given that the scope of such a project is inherently limited, the utility of such an application is about that of a fourth bill on a platypus. I'm not sure why they have the first one. But like all great useless things before it, one must simply marvel at how awesome life must be for us to have the luxury to do random shit like that. So sleep soundly America, know that we do, in fact, have the coolest toys.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)